A Time to Vent

>> Thursday, August 13, 2009

I can not tell everyone how hard it is to take care of a parent. Your roles are reversed you become the parent and they the children, however you can not treat them like children because they are your elders and they have their own opinions. Your child you can tell what to do and they have to do it. Your parent feels that they don't have to do what you tell them (when they actually do have to do it) and so the back and forth begins.

My father in law has dementia. Some days are better then others. Most days he is OK remembers most daily things but he forgets names, he can't fix himself anything to eat or drink as a matter of fact if we didn't make him eat/drink then he wouldn't do it at all. He talked on the phone a few weeks ago and he forgot how to hold it. He stays in his bedroom except for lunch and dinner. He wont go outside, he won't go anywhere or do anything. This is not depression, this is his personality. He has been reclusive and ornery for his whole life. Try living with that.

This week we started him at his new adult day care center. He goes on Tue/Thur. 11-5. He doesn't want to go, he said he wasn't going, he argues about when we are taking him and when we are picking him up. He grumbles because he has to take a bath before he goes and today was carrying on about not shaving so my husband finally just gave in and didn't shave him. He came out and argued some more.

To make matters worse my brother in law doesn't help us at all. As a matter of fact he has not called or inquired about his father since April. He lives in this area. However he is at my father in laws house doing things around the house several times a week. Can you tell he wants the property? My father in law gets on this kick where he says Bobby is going to come get him, bobby this and bobby that it is so frustrating. Bobby is not doing squat and when he eventually does come around he will be the prodigal son. He has no idea what it is like to be with my father in law everyday, he has no idea what his issues are, his medications, even his true dementia. He thinks eventually my father in law will go home and when we used to tell him that just wasn't happening he just didn't want to hear it.

I am frustrated. My husband is frustrated. My daughter and her boyfriend are frustrated. I actually said to my husband (jokingly) "I understand why people beat older people." I would never do that but like I said with an ornery 2 year old you may give them a spank on the behind and tell them not to talk to you that way.....with a parent you cant. We told him he was going to have to go to a nursing home if he kept it up and he of course said so? Bobby will come get me.
And so we go in another circle again.


Annalisa August 13, 2009 at 2:33 PM  

I admire you for your efforts in taking care of your father-in-law. My grandma had Alzheimer's and I remember the struggles my mom went through before they finally ended up putting her in a home. You should be getting extra blessings in heaven for being so loving and caring, and putting your life on hold for him. :)

I came across a survey in my email this morning and thought of you. It's a 45-minute online survey for caretaker's of people with dementia and it pays $50. Just thought I'd pass it along.


Take care,

Anonymous August 13, 2009 at 2:58 PM  

Paula, yes it is a difficult , difficult job, but this should help you in the social service job area, understanding hard truly hard it is to deal with "sick" parents. Hang in there, you will be so blessed for all you do!I understand the brother thing. My brothers dis absolutely nothing to help me with mom. The excuse was they didn't know what to do, and they were too busy! 2 of the brothers were retired! I take it your husband has no sisters to help?

Paula August 13, 2009 at 8:53 PM  

Thanks annalisa, I will check that site out.

Marilyn no sisters just my hubby and his brother. Hopefully it will get better with him going to the day care several times a week.

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