>> Saturday, February 13, 2010
I have had no energy to blog lately. I have been a little more busy with my clients lately but not enough to really not have time to blog. It's the depression getting the better of me. I have blogged in the past about the depression, anxiety and panic before and it does go up and down, however for the past few months it has really hit me hard. Honestly if I didn't have to do anything but stay under the covers for the most part I would.
About 5 years ago I went through major therapy and I dealt with a lot of things. I learned to be more independent, I worked on my marriage, my relationship with my daughter, my friends, family and more. But some times there is only so much you can work on until you just feel better and back off. That happened to me. I did what I had to, I worked hard and I learned to live again and things were so much better.
But I never dealt with the bottom line of my issues and have not as of yet. Like many people I have daddy issues, mommy issues, abandonment issues which have all lead to weight issues. As I learned to cope I did very well but when things are not fixed inside they will come out in different ways to make themselves known.
What used to freak me out no longer does, panic attacks lurk in the darkness now instead of broad daylight. After the day settles down for most my anxiety begins to bubble and boil to the breaking point. I have the jitters. My mom calls them the heebby jeebbies. I feel unsettled, unable to sit, to lay down or to sleep. My mind races, my legs twitch, the thoughts race, race, race and panic is a constant companion to the darkness.
So back to therapy I went. I am still dealing very well with a lot of issues but the anxiety and panic is still there. I function, I work, I talk, I laugh, I go to movies, out to eat and I push myself to do those things, enjoy those things or my life would come to a halt. I have been here before and I will never go back fore pushing forward is the only answer.
Medication is a must for me. I obviously have a chemical imbalance. I have tried lots of meds over the years. I have meds now that I think just mask the issue because they keep me steady.....just enough to take the edge off but never enough to make the true issue go away. I hate medication. I hate pills. I have Xanex and I never take it very often although I can if I want. Even that is not dulling the panic and I am not an avid user of it.
I having my education and background know that the medication and cognitive therapy go hand in hand and so I continue to seek the answers through both. I have sought out a new doctor to talk about medications.
You see I am a freak of nature. I say this jokingly but I truly feel I am. I hate medications so much that when I try new ones I don't even know if they work because my mind rejects them, my body says something is wrong with the meds and I never really even given them a fair chance to work. That is how crazy I feel at times.
Yes I have stress, I have issues, I have lots of things to deal with and take care of but the bottom line is I am not healthy. I am not mentally healthy or physically healthy. My mind realistically knows it must take care of my body but something just doesn't allow me to do so. I eat horribly, I just don't take care of myself and this adds to the burden. My therapist brought to my attention that I don't even believe myself worthy of taking the meds everyday, eating right, and taking care of myself...she is so right. I have to change that belief. I have to change period but this is where the fight is a constant battle in my mind of who is going to be the victor....I plan on winning in the end but some battles just seem to take so long.
You see I am a fighter. I am stronger then most people will ever realize. I stayed quite when I was supposed to and I yelled, kicked and screamed my way away from those that would hurt me. I stood up for myself at the age of 10 when most would have crumbled under the pressure. I stood up for what was right and valuable to me....my self worth....but not on the inside...in there I am a crying, lonely little 3 year old wishing someone would make it better except she is forty now and she has to once again champion the world for her self and her worth once again.
That is what I deal with every day and the past few months have been hard, very hard. But I have not given up and so I take each day and hope for the best.