>> Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Thank you to all my readers for caring about me. I am just down right exhausted. I have a runny nose, cough, fever that I think has finally broken and an impending nervous breakdown.
I actually looked up a nervous breakdown. Apparently it is not a medical term but a feeling. I know I have told you before that I have anxiety, depression and panic attacks and with all that is going on it has just intensified. I have never felt normal, always on the outside of life, always feeling different. I am a people pleaser and that just isn't working anymore.
The breakdown appears to be happening. My mind goes a mile a minute. I think of everything at once, it never seems to rest even to the point where things take on a lunatic aspect. My mind flicks from one image to another, I am unable to truly rest and then it scares me and the panic sets in, from there the terror starts, "Am I losing my mind? Am I going to die? Am I going crazy? Should I be admitted to somewhere?" The panic happens, the slow down comes on and then I usually can rest again until it starts over. I mean other people have to feel this way right or there wouldn't be hundreds of depression, anxiety and panic medications? There would not be thousands of sites dedicated to those that think they are having a nervous breakdown or going insane. Why do I feel so alone and ashamed to admit that I feel like this? That I truly feel like I have no control over my surrounding world and thoughts? I just told a client the other day to actually go with the flow of the panic attack. I know the ins and outs, I can even guide someone through them but myself? I think I need to be carted away and I am not joking here.
A little back ground info. I went through therapy for several years and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I focused, I learned, I changed and life has been good. But there are things I refused to acknowledge and those things are still there lurking now waiting to pounce on me. I can't afford to go back although I think a few sessions out of my pocket wouldn't hurt right now. My therapist told me that my life would go in phases, that I would do fine and then would need help but that was OK. I think I have even been trying to control that aspect of my life, the phases of help for Pete's sake!
So, I am overwhelmed, I have too much stress, too little time, too little control and all this is bull crap. I have nothing but time, nothing but the ability to end a lot of the stress and I do have control if I just want to grasp it. That my friends is the heart of the break down feeling. When will I grab it and what am I going to do with it?
Today I was sick, but made myself go to school to get the paperwork done for my final courses to get my bachelor. I poured over the schedule and figured out I can get all five classes done in the first summer session and then hopefully I can get a new job sooner. Am I crazy? I already know I can't do this, although all day I have tried to tell myself I could. But I want to please my family and pretend I can. Well I can't and we are not going to starve if I don't find another job right away, so I need to take it easier on myself. People pleasing goes back a long way for me, when I was a little girl I used to try to please my biological father by picking up his house, cooking, baking, and doing whatever I thought would get him to notice me. It didn't work then and it sure ain't working around here now either.
I have control in my grasp and I need to start to take it. Like putting better things in my body to eat and be nutritious, to help my body stay healthy. I have that control but I don't use it.
I have control over who lives in my home and I don't take it. The kids are eating me alive emotionally and I allow it by taking on their problems as well and I need to get some control over this all well. It is not my job to parent another persons child. It is not my responsibility to take care of my 21 year old bills because she didn't get a full time job when she had the chance. I have to do what is best for me now and that control is there too.
I have control over my marriage and if I am not completely happy then I have the control to make the changes necessary to have a better marriage or get out of the one I am in now. I know this sounds like I am flipping out but these are the things that are tearing me apart.
I have the control to say that my father in law can stay here for a certain period of time and after that he has to go someplace else. My home should be my sanctuary not his rest home where I am the nurse. I didn't go to school to be a nurse, a rehab specialist or a doctor. I don't want that and I am not sure how clear I have made that either.
My poor baby dog snickers I think feels my anxiety. She has always been extremely high strung and this past few months has been barking uncontrollably. I think she doesn't know what to do either.
My family is a good family. They love me and I love them. They take advantage of me and that is because I let them. I would do anything in the world for them and I believe they would do that for me as well however that is not an excuse for me to let life run me instead of me running my life. I have the feeling that things will fall into place more when I start controlling my life instead of it controlling me.
Am I having a nervous breakdown? Yes, I do believe I am and I am scared, really scared but I know that I have survived lots of things so what makes this one any different? You don't know much about me but I have survived abuse, emotional neglect, miscarriages, surgeries, friendships gone wrong, ups, downs, the all abounds of bad times and more. The point is I survived.
Tomorrow I go to see the new internist doctor I have for the second time. I will get my blood work results back and then talk to him about all that is going on with me.
My blog is my outlet, it has been the way in which I show how I learned new skills of survival when I was laid off last time. It shows how to make a buck stretch, it shows crafty ideas, good books, good friends, it shows me at my best and my worst. Saving money 101 is more then just saving money it is about saving me, Paula and that is the one thing I can't give up on, skimp on, budget or neglect. It is life 1o1 and I certainly can't be the only one living it can I?
If you feel this way or know of someone who feels like this I would love to hear from them. I have spoken before about blogs that only talk about the pretty stuff, the warm gooey things that go on everyday and that is OK too, I love to read those, but sometimes I just want to find a person to say, "I am going crazy? Have you ever felt like this too?"