>> Wednesday, February 18, 2009
So here is the thing my fellow readers...since I have exposed myself, I might as well go for the gold there has to be other who feel this way...
As I said below I am weak...my mind is weak when it comes to my weight. I struggle but I struggle with it every minute of every day. I can't go one day with out food, I can't go one hour with out thinking about food. I can't go one day after eating really good for you on the detox diet (couldn't make it throughout the first day) food without crying, balling like a baby because my mind tells me it doesn't want to do this. I struggle with my mind....I fight, I tell it that we will not eat, we will not eat off the plan, we will not starve, we will be ok, I remind myself that I ate and I fed my body good things, things it needs to survive to feel good. But my mind cries, it says I want salt, chips, fast food, m&m's just more stuff.
I feel like the only one who feels this way, I feel alone and ashamed and wonder why can't I even last a day? However I consider that there are a lot of over weight people and that they must suffer too. So that is it folks, detox break down and I didn't even make it through the day.
Am I giving up? No, I bought a boat load of good things to eat and I will be damned if I don't eat them this time. So tomorrow I will wake up and eat fruit, veggies and some wonderful grains that taste good. Will I be able to strictly stick to every part of this plan? Probably not but I will make a few concessions as I can to stick to it because I have to, I hurt, I ache and I must gain some sort of control over my eating.
I have done so much with my life: ten years of schooling, had a child at 18, married 19 years of ups and downs, many miscarriages, several pain ridden surgeries and abandonment, and more. Yet I am a survivor, I stand here crying, yet surviving so tomorrow I will start a new day, and cry I am sure but I will survive that day too.